back then

romanticizing youth
the long, wild nights
driven by the promise of love

we used gallons of booze and
clouds of smoke
to drown out the aches
our young hearts
went chasing after
night after night

it is easy to
reminisce about
the pulse of music
and throng of bodies
which made nothing else matter
as we fell into dark corner kisses,
clutched at each other’s clothes,
intoxicated and intoxicated with
hunger for connection

i never thought much
of the many pre-dawn hours
dragging myself up three flights
of pretty pink marble stairs
pushing through the door
of my studio apartment
leaning over the toilet
sitting in the bathtub shower
crawling into bed

ultimately alone.
how lonely that was
no wonder
i was
so hungry

that was beautiful to me, once,
and still is, sometimes,
and though a ghost
of that hunger
still whispers
in my belly,
i no longer care
to be so foolish
or so messy

though i fear myself
still very much a fool