after the gregorian new year
and the lunar new year
there is the khmer new year
and with it comes
my birthday
and the anniversary
of the reason
i exist, here
in this country
in this psyche
april 17, 1975
bombs and gunfire
the fall
no time to think
about the new year
no incense
only smoke
and prayers
followed by
5 years
of hard labor
and then
april 17, 1985
ten years later
another continent
celebrating
a new year
a new life
in a new home
that is now home
but not home
or is it?
we hold on
we plant roots
in whatever way
we can
we go on
try to remember
i try to hold
onto memories that
i never lived
but which live
inside me
to be here
because of war
to be host
of a war
between the distant
past and the current
circumstance
to know
who i am
and still
be searching
to learn
how to celebrate
to accept
that time
only moves
forward
no matter
how your back
is turned
to not
constantly
brace
for a sudden stab
from front
or behind
to keep
saying
everything
will be okay
everything
will be
okay
everything
will be
okay
narinda heng 